All posts by Clayton Miller

About Clayton Miller

Email: [email protected]
Tel: +44 (0) 20 7436 6767
Clayton Miller is a founding member partner of KMJ Solicitors: a highly sought after family law firm in London. Legal 500 describes Clayton as being especially able to “assimilate and master the details of complex financial cases and keep on top of them”. Clayton is dual qualified in both Australia and the UK and is a member of the dual-qualified Family Lawyers and International Bar Association. He has over fifteen years of experience as a family law specialist, including divorce and separation as well as offshore trusts, prenuptial agreements and cohabitation law.

Before, During and After: The 3 Stages to an Amicable Divorce

You and your partner have made — or perhaps have been pushed by a catalyst into making — the enormous, life-altering decision to end your marriage. So what now? Especially if you have children, not much can be more damaging to your relationship than a prolonged and messy divorce where feelings continue to get hurt, and emotional shrapnel becomes a daily event for all parties.

So is it possible to divorce amicably? Believe it or not, yes. While this might seem impossible at times, there are steps that can be taken throughout all three stages of your divorce (before, during, and after) to save you from further hurt and expense. You may not achieve that “dream divorce” of that one friend we all have, but using these steps, it’s certainly possible to come out of your marriage feeling capable of being in the same room as your ex, and ready to take on the world again.

Stage one: What can I do before I divorce?

Before you file for a divorce, there are steps to prepare which will make the process quicker and minimize the pain and anger. The first thing is to prepare yourself for your divorce. Whether it’s your choice or it has been sprung upon you by your spouse, make sure it’s really a divorce you want. Try couples therapy and taking time together to rediscover what it was that made you fall in love with that person in the first place.

In our experience, at least one half of the couple isn’t prepared for a divorce — and in many cases, neither is. If your spouse wants a divorce but you don’t, check that you’ve taken all the steps to try and fix it. If you’re the spouse who wants a divorce, make sure that you’re checking your behaviour and making sure you don’t live a single life until you’re officially divorced. If you start dating, even if you’ve separated, it still counts as adultery in the eyes of the court. More importantly, the last thing you want to be doing is giving more grounds for resentment and anger.

If you have children, remember to put them first. More than for you and your ex, an amicable divorce is important for children. Regardless of your feelings for your spouse, alienating them from their other parent, unless that parent is abusive, is exceptionally damaging to your child.

Other key considerations before beginning your divorce are finding a solicitor, deciding what your goals for arrangements for the children are, and sorting out joint bank accounts. Finding a reputable solicitor of family law early on can really help you at this age, as they can help you with questions like “can I move to another apartment yet?” “Might I lose my chance of the children living with me?” “Can I date?” In short, finding the best divorce solicitor as soon as possible will stop you making any mistakes that might put you at risk, and can lead to more anger and resentment in the divorce itself. Look for a lawyer local to you, for instance the best divorce lawyers in London, and make sure you talk to a few before making your decision.

Stage two: What can I do during my divorce to keep things amicable?

If you’re divorcing because your marriage has simply stopped working and things are reasonably amicable, consider hiring a mediator rather than taking things to court. Taking responsibility for your divorce can also be useful when trying to succeed in an amicable divorce. While it can be easier to lay all the blame on your spouse, it often takes two to create a situation where a divorce is necessary.

Blaming your ex for everything may seem more convenient, but it can easily become a habit. Your friends will doubtlessly side with you and the blame can become a cycle, until you’ve built your ex up in your head into a monster that, in reality, they’re not. Remember that you’re both only human. Excessive blame can not only be damaging to yourself and to your ex, but it can be most damaging of all to your children who are suddenly hearing mummy being hateful towards daddy, and vice versa. If you think this is a stressful and uprooting time for you and your partner, imagine the confusion your children are feeling at having the family unit torn apart. Seeing you and your spouse keep a genuine civil face on things can be invaluable to maintaining their relationships with both parents.

If you’re really struggling to let go of resentment and anger, seeing a therapist once a week for the duration of your divorce can not only help your mental health, but can actually save you money in the long run by helping you make clearer decisions, concluding your divorce faster and cutting down legal costs. A good therapist will help you realise and take control of your own issues that have contributed to your divorce, which is far more useful than laying the blame on your spouse. Doing so will also give you far more power; a good divorce goal is to aim to come out of it a more mature and stronger person, so taking charge of your own mistakes will help with this, as well as helping with an amicable divorce where you can come out as friends.

Above all, compromise is important for an amicable divorce. Find a good family law solicitor who can advise you on how to equally divide assets, and come to an agreement that works for both of you, rather than arguing over small things for the sake of it.

Stage three: What about after my divorce?

Remember that neither of you will be able to live the lifestyle you have become accustomed to, as you will either have gone from being a two-income household to two single-income households, or you will have gone from living with the benefits of a far larger income than your own supporting you. Your nice family home may have been sold and you are both living in smaller homes, and your holidays are no longer as extravagant.

It’s important to keep sight of the positives. When you first married, did you stop doing something because your ex didn’t like it? Perhaps you had a different film taste, or a different holiday taste. Maybe you fell out of contact with old friends because you didn’t have time for them anymore. Instead of missing your kids when they’re staying with your ex, enjoy all the free time you now have and enjoy the quality time with them when they’re present. Especially if your partner didn’t fully step up with the child care while you were married, now’s the time to truly establish a balance. Your solicitor for family law will have helped you find good arrangements for childcare that suit both of you.

Above all, make sure you enjoy life for yourself. Statistically, people are happier after they divorce and even if that’s not you now, it can be. Keep up your regular routine and rediscover interests that might have slipped. Spend more time with friends and, when you’re ready, start dating again. Enjoying your new-found freedom and being comfortable in yourself is a good start to developing or keeping a friendship with the person who once was the most important person in your life.